New Contentment
Lately, continuing to be that open book has been proving more and more difficult. When we lost Owen, I thought that was it. THAT was the worst of it. THAT was going to be the only hard thing I was going to have to get through for a while. After that pain, good things were coming. We’d have another baby and begin to rebuild our family. Because really, what else could happen?!
Not being pregnant could happen. Trying, unsuccessfully, for over a year could happen. THIS is where it gets hard for me to be so transparent and share the deepest parts of my heart, because I just…didn’t…see…this..coming.
Back in March, I had a real talk with God. We had reached the one-year-of-trying mark and I couldn’t stand it any longer. I couldn’t stand the “living month to month.” If you’ve ever struggled to conceive, you KNOW what I’m talking about.
I’m talking about the analyzing every symptom. Taking a million pregnancy tests. JUST in case you are more pregnant than the negative line you saw five minutes ago.
I’m talking about not fully living your life. Really LIVING your life, because you’re holding out waiting for your life to change. For you to wake up and go from being a wife to a mother again. Hesitant to make plans or set goals because next month could be different. Next month could be “the month.” My life was literally on hold as I was waiting for my life to BEGIN again.
That one day in March, I prayed in a new way. A specific prayer.
“Lord. I can’t keep living my life month-to-month. I just can’t do it anymore. My circumstances are not changing. My son is still gone. I don’t have another baby on the way. HELP ME. Help me to be content in YOU and not in my circumstances. Help me realize that YOU are enough in this life. Regardless of what my future may or may not hold for me.”
I didn’t really expect that prayer to be answered. Call me crazy, but some of my prayers in the past didn’t seem to be answered how I wanted. Sometimes, when God actually hears me and shows up? It catches me by surprise. It makes me stop my little grown-up temper tantrum and realize, “God does hear me.”
April came.
I wasn’t pregnant.
And for the first time in MONTHS I didn’t shed one single tear.
I had such peace and contentment pumping through my veins. My circumstances were the same. Nothing in my life had changed…except for my attitude and my willingness to give my desires and timeline over to the Ultimate Planner.
His timing is perfect. Whether that’s with having our own children or through adoption down the road. HE knows when I’m ready. HE knows my future. HE…is my reward and all I need. Not another baby. I just have to trust Him. Some days this is easier than others.
It was time to set some long-term goals. See if this prayer was really answered. I like to test the waters sometimes. Make sure this change is for real.
Since losing Owen, I have wanted to run a half-marathon. I have no idea why, but I couldn’t shake the desire. I’ve run that far before during my Malone Cross-Country days, but never in the form of a road race.
Last year, my brother tried to get me to train for a half-marathon with him doing the full. The race was on the anniversary of Owen’s death. I knew it’d be way too tough all around, so I turned him down.
I couldn’t see putting in the time and energy to train because I just assumed I’d be pregnant. If I set this big goal and was actually able to REACH it…that’d mean that I still wasn’t pregnant. I wouldn’t be able to enjoy reaching the goal because deep down inside I was hoping I would have an excuse to put a pin in my training. I wasn’t sure I wanted to set myself up for anymore failure.
BUT…THIS year I was ready. I made a decision to train. To put myself out there. June, July and August transitioned from me running for fun to running with a purpose. My mileage increased. My runs stretched longer. I had the Emerald City Half Marathon in Dublin, Ohio, on my radar and it was ON.
For three months, it was just me and the pavement. No training partners. No accountability. I didn’t even tell people I was training. I wanted to do this for ME. I had to do this…for ME.
In late July, I prayed a prayer I never thought I’d ever pray. I prayed that I would not get pregnant that month. Deep down inside I just had to do this. I needed another month to train. I needed a win. It was in that moment that I truly felt a new contentment. A contentment in the here and now, not the “what-ifs” of my future.
Crossing that finish line on August 24th felt like a million bucks. I fought hard through the heat and humidity. I DID IT. I can’t explain why I needed to do this race. To run this far. As the reality of what I accomplished began to wash over me, I felt like whatever else comes my way? Whatever is in my future? I’m ready for it.
I had reached this goal that I had only dreamed about. A goal that seemed unreachable. A goal that I somehow feared.
I didn’t just REACH it.
I CONQUERED it.
I STILL wasn’t pregnant.
And I was OK.
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These images are from my summer of training. From the Hall of Fame 5-miler to the Emerald City Half Marathon. My dad and I enjoyed making some memories running four road races over the last few months. I cherish these bonding moments pounding the pavement together. Thanks, Dad, for making time to run with your daughter. Love you so much.
My handsome hubby, my biggest supporter and “gatorade-carrier-for-my-long-runs” has been AMAZING. He got up early every morning on our beach vacation to Hilton Head to ride a bike behind me and keep me fueled and hydrated. I couldn’t have done those long runs in this heat without him.
He never once told me I was crazy. He was nothing but supportive. Knowing I just needed to DO this. Thanks for your love and encouragement, Babe. (*muah*) I wouldn’t want to walk this road with anyone but you…
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Click here for the very beginning of our 8 year journey through life, loss and our unexpected struggle with secondary infertility. Starting with what we shared at our 3-week-old son’s funeral.