Babies, babies, BABIES!

 

Anytime someone loses a baby, there’s that awkwardness.  You know that awkwardness.  I’m talking about being around other people’s babies.  It’s like other people’s babies suddenly become that “elephant” in the room.  That elephant has tiny fingers and toes, a big ‘ole plump belly and poops a bazillion times a day.  This elephant soon grows up and wants a cell phone to text its other little elephant friends.  The parents may feel like their babies bring pain, just by being in our presence.

I feel this is a real issue that needs addressed, because people either already have babies or find out soon after you lose yours that they’re expecting their own bundle of joy.  It’s awkward.  Not because it needs to be, but nobody ever talks about how the little elephant makes them feel.  Let me start off by saying that everyone is SO different here.  I can only speak about my own experiences…

Since I lost Owen on October 20th, I could list 6 announced pregnancies within my circle of family, friends and connections.  These are just the ones I know about.  I’m sure there are probably more, but people might not know how to tell me about their little “elephant.”  Facebook baby announcements and all the “I’m pregnant!” you hear can easily seem like that new car you buy.  Once you buy that model in that particular color, you see it everywhere.  You don’t have to go far until you feel like you’re being pelted from all sides after losing your own child.  Unfortunately, there’s not much that can be done about this part.  It happens.  Life goes on around you.  The only thing I have a say in is my attitude and my perspective on the issue.

I know the miracle of life.  I know that not every pregnant belly ends up with a healthy baby…or any baby.  I’m a walking example of that.  Pregnant twice and here I am…sitting here typing this and my arms are empty.  I have a vacant crib upstairs in the nursery.  I have a rocking chair that’s never been used, a diaper pail that’s never had to conceal the odor of a dirty diaper…or any diaper.  My motherly arms are empty…again…but my heart is overflowing with love for both of my babies and the never ending desire to have a family.

I found out my first baby had passed when I was 9-weeks pregnant.  The week prior we were hearing its heart beat for the first time.  You wouldn’t believe the women who came out of the woodwork to offer encouragement in the weeks following that devastating blow.  Women I had known for years, suddenly let down their guard to share about their pain and their losses.  Miscarriages happen often.  Too often.  Losing a baby at any stage is heartbreaking, making it an extremely painful subject for women to talk about.

I also know that not every woman gets pregnant in the first place.  I guess as a kid I thought, like most kids, that a girl grows up…gets married…has babies.  Any woman who didn’t end up having kids simply “chose” not to have kids.  That was my thinking.  Infertility, miscarriages, still births, infant deaths…what was that?  It wasn’t in my realm of thinking.

Because of my own experiences and the experiences of those around me, I am able to handle the bombardment of “babies, babies, BABIES!” in a different way.  Instead of being narrow-minded and thinking, “Oh sure.  Another pregnant woman without a care in the world.  Figures.”  I remember MY situation.  I remember the pain I’VE endured…twice.  I remember the worry that plagued my thoughts every day of my pregnancies.  I can’t escape the fact that, I.Don’t.Know.That.Woman’s.Story.  I have no way of knowing what that woman has gone through to proudly wear her beautiful baby bump.  If I did, most likely I would be rejoicing alongside her instead of laying another brick on the emotional wall I’ve been constructing around myself in my spare time.

There’s also a very real possibility that pregnant woman has never experienced loss.  She’s never lost a child.  No one in her family has ever lost a child.  All of her friends have had healthy pregnancies.  It doesn’t matter.   So she’s never experienced my pain.  I hope that she never does.  No woman should ever experience the loss of a child.  Even if SHE doesn’t fully comprehend how special that healthy baby is…I DO.

All babies are miracles.  Little blessings.  Even if they are someone else’s blessings.  Try not to lose sight of this.  Don’t shy away from other pregnant mothers simply because it’s too painful.  Don’t miss out on going to visit a little one who’s just entered the world.  That “elephant” deserves to be celebrated.  That precious baby has done nothing to cause your current pain.  CELEBRATE that little life.  Celebrate it like it was your own baby.  Invest yourself in using your “motherly love” to love on someone else’s kids in the meantime.  It does wonders to heal a mother’s broken heart.  I know it’s helping to heal mine.

 

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Click here for the very beginning of our 8 year journey through life, loss and our unexpected struggle with secondary infertility.  Starting with what we shared at our 3-week-old son’s funeral.